What is my purpose in life?

What is my purpose is life? That is probably the most important question one asks, because this question raises a lot of deep seeded emotions and makes one evaluate their morals and values, all their faults and regrets, and ultimately, one's faith or lack thereof. Purpose gives us direction, gives us a desire to live and work toward a goal, and gives us peace of mind. Recently, I was dealing with an illness that could have had a bad outcome. Depression set in. I had a lot of time on my hand as I lay in that hospital bed to think of all my past mistakes and all my regrets. The question 'what if I died' made me think of how those who love me and depend on me would remember me? There was so much I did wrong, so much I could have done better. Here I am 53 years old, and, really, what have I accomplished in my life that would make my children's lives better? Isn't this what all parents strive to do? My children are all grown, none of them have college degrees, none of them can manage money well, they all struggle with personal relationships, and they all have physical or mental health issues. Was my purpose in life to give birth to my three sons, and then raise them badly? Really? How much more depressing can this be? How can I correct this? How can I make good on them? The answers to these questions revealed what I must do. I will continue to love them and let them know it as often as possible. I will offer advice and support when they ask for it. I will provide tools and means for them to make better education and financial decisions. I have many years left to help them have better lives for themselves and their children. I will do this with the man who loves me and adores me at my side. This, folks, is my purpose in life.

My True Best Friends

I am back to my (silly) life after an acute illness and short hospitalization. My recovery is going well, growing physically and mentally stronger everyday. There were many days of resting, and inevitably, contemplation. Thoughts of my family, friends, work, finances, pets, ways to improve relationships, yada yada yada. It is nice to have a girlfriend who cares about you, and comes to see me in the hospital. Karen will be only be a good friend, but not a BFF, I am afraid. Her Christian morals and convictions would keep her from understanding my pagan beliefs, and would undo our friendship very quickly. I am not willing to test it, either. It truly would be awesome to have a girlfriend I can be totally myself with. Maybe someday....... My co-workers who came to cheer me up at the hospital truly care about me and were genuinely concerned about me. I was surprised, and this sweet gesture really boosted my morale. This was all good, but I came to realize that the only true friends I can talk openly and frankly to, and who will not pass any judgment, are my husband John, and my sister Teresa. Although John is not the most romantic nor emotionally secure man that I would like him to be, he does know me best, and loves me despite it all, and I love him. Teresa and I are close, and we love each other dearly. I can confide in her, and trust her with my secrets and life's affairs, implicitly. You know, Tres will probably be the closest to a BFF as I will ever have.

The Beginning

Where to start this search from is not difficult to figure out....begin where I am at, at this very moment. My sense of self....how would I describe myself, what make me, me? I am an energy that occupies a human animal, conceived by Jack and Eleonora, fifty-three years ago. My childhood was remarkable, I suppose, in comparison, to my American friends. Certain events and periods in my youth certainly played an important part in how I view the world around me.

Here, I am...at a crossroads.....so much to figure out.....seeking answers for my growing need to understand....what all this means.....the insanity in this world.....and my purpose in it. I am going on a quest of sorts....don't be afraid for me......I wish anyone who cares about me....to follow along as I go down some safe and unsafe paths....don't judge me as I speak out loud my feelings and fears....we all have them...don't hate me for my brutal honesty...for that is what it will take to find the truth, my purpose in life.....